Research reveals employees waste an average of $1500 and an 8-hour workday for every crucial conversation they avoid. [1]
95% of a company’s workforce struggles to speak up to their colleagues about their concerns. [2] Instead people ruminate, complain, get angry, withdraw, etc.
As much as we wish it wasn’t the case, conflict is inevitable. In my 1:1 executive coaching, clients will share the disagreements, misunderstandings and frustrations that keep them up at night. Oftentimes it builds up until their managers or HR ask me to intercede. Their hope is that a third party can help reconcile competing priorities, personality styles or gaps in communication.
The work can be raw, but for those leaders who are willing to do the work, their reward is learning how to have better conversations next time before a situation turns into conflict.
Here is where we often start our work.
What is your Conflict Style?
Each of us grew up in a family that handled conflict uniquely. What we learned in our family of origin has probably carried over into the workplace. In my work with leaders, I begin with the Integrative Enneagram to help identify triggers and habitual conflict style. Here are a few examples of different approaches to conflict:
- Suppress real thoughts and feelings to maintain the peace (e.g., saying “okay, sounds good” while thinking “no…this is not a good idea!”)
- Tiptoe around a challenging topic rather than getting to the heart of the issue.
- Charging ahead without listening or having an awareness of the other person
- Being defensive and blocking out all feedback
- Shutting down and withdrawing
Understanding the Nature of Conflict
Before delving into resolution strategies, it’s essential to understand that not all conflict is bad.
There is an important distinction between constructive conflict and destructive conflict. Think about them on a spectrum. On the one side, destructive conflict comes from a closed mindset. There is a lack of curiosity, likely not a lot of active listening and the focus is on blame. It is often aimed at the individual (“you never…”) and there is a high probability that neither party feels psychologically safe. On the other side, constructive conflict comes from a place of openness and curiosity. It is focused on resolving the issue, rather than focused on the person. For this reason, the work often starts with mindset. When both parties are committed to the process, constructive conflict can lead to stronger relationships and better business results.
The Role of Executive Coaching in Conflict Resolution
In many conversations there is a disconnect between the words we’re actually saying (what Chris Argyris coined the right-hand column) and our unspoken thoughts and feelings (the left- hand column). In conversations where there is a lot of trust and honesty, where both people speak the truth and feel heard, there is typically congruence between what we’re saying and what we’re thinking and feeling. The goal of conflict resolution is to help people learn how to effectively, courageously and skillfully voice what is in their left-hand column.
Executive coaching plays a pivotal role in enhancing leaders’ conflict resolution skills. We provide the tools and frameworks to understand and navigate conflicts more effectively, fostering a deeper self-awareness and emotional intelligence. Through personalized strategies and feedback, coaching can help you refine your approach to conflict, ensuring that you handle disputes with greater empathy, clarity, and courage.
[1,2] “Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High” Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzler
Starla Sireno is recognized as one of the top executive coaches in NYC. Starla is in the business of transforming executives into better leaders and better humans. Inquire how to work with Starla or her team.